I’ve heard some say Mother Nature’s a bitch. Um, offensive much? Just because I occasionally lose my temper and mess with the weather, doesn’t mean I’m a terrible temptress. Hi, yes I am Mother Nature. What did you expect me to look like? I’ve given birth to every living thing on earth so of course I’m a tad stretched out. Oh sure, I’ve talked to one of those fancy doctors who can tighten your stuff back up. I think they call it regeneration. I call it completely unnecessary at my age. If a woman spits out all the trees and squirrels on this planet she deserves to live in peace with her lovely, albeit longer, labia. Besides, as you can see, all my lady bits are working just fine. You wouldn’t have all those lakes, rivers and oceans if I wasn’t still capable of a good orgasm. I know sometimes I get a bit too frisky and flood the midwestern U.S. or even a large part of Asia, but can you blame an old broad for just wanting to be happy? If you’ve ever seen Old Faithful or felt a tremor in California, you can bet that was me on vacation relaxing with a glass of Chardonnay and watching a Brad Pitt movie (although he may have shut down that national treasure with his recent Chanel No. 5 commercial).
I bet you’re thinking I’m going senile in my old age. Please. Just because I have the occasional crazy moment and send out a twister, or sweat profusely and kick up a torrential downpour, doesn’t mean I’m going through menopause. I’ve gotten nothing but a bad wrap since El Niῆo. Have people forgotten about my kind and nurturing side? I make Pomeranian puppies for Gods sake. So show this mother some respect and quit polluting. You’ll be doing everyone a favor. There just isn’t enough KY lubricant in the world to get me going once I’m completely dried up.
*** special thanks to Egan and Christina for these AV pics ***