Beef Tongue Accidental Vagina

Stick a Fork in Me

Don’t you close your eyes and turn your nose up at me. What, do I disgust you? Does the very sight of me turn your stomach? Well, kiss my…grits. All my life I’ve been the ugly one. I was the ugly sister, the unfortunate niece, the friend who was positioned as the forever wing man. No man picked me first at the bar. Nope, I was always the left over. Well, I’ve had it! I’m done being the bridesmaid. Finished with being content to stay home every Saturday night. Today I speak up. Today I will turn everything inside out and love who I am. So open your eyes and soak it all in. I am one beautiful piece of meat.


I can’t believe how far you’ve fallen since your days as the reigning prom queen. How could anyone know you would take the break up so hard? You seem to be hanging with the wrong crowd now, as all your bruises and see through clothing you’ve chosen to wear tell a sad sad story. It is clear you are looking for someone special, competing with all those other ladies around you. But just laying there spread eagle isn’t going to find you a polite dinner mate. How much for a pound of flesh? $3.49?! So sad you think so little of yourself. Do you not see what I see when you look in the cooler’s funhouse mirror above you? You are still so young and tender. You should be holding out for someone very special to eat you. You’re better than that single guy looking for a quick bite from the ‘almost expired’ section.

As we can see from your smooth complexion, you’re still making your waxing appointments so we know you haven’t completely given up. Get up out of there, lose that freshman fifteen, and get yourself into the Top Sirloin section stat. Make your herd proud.

*** photo courtesy of Hannah / post title courtesy of Chris ***

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